I really want to be able to have the hard conversations with my husband. Why do we always shy away from conversations that we know will make everyone uncomfortable, or even start a fight? Does it make it better to bury our heads in the sand and pretend the issues don't exist? I have so many financial questions in life, and I did NOT pick a husband who knows the answers....haha! We don't discuss our finances, but we need to desperately.

What is the best savings model for college? What is the difference between a 529 and a Texas Tommorrow fund? Who is in charge of having a savings account? Should I be putting more in my 401K, since I am the only one cotributing to one? OR, is it more important to get out of debt? Who should be responsible for figuring these things out? I am so overwhelmed.

Disappointment

I feel so self righteous when I make my list of all the ways people are disappointing me right now. Is this a lesson? Am I supposed to worry about what I can do for others........rather than focus on how others are failing me? When will all of this fade away into the past like the sun going down over the horizon into a peaceful nightfall? Do I have a right to be angry?

I will not put up with cruel behavior. I am scared about some of the patterns that might repeat themselves. But how much of my worrying is really about me and not about the other person? For example, my father does not really call anymore. He is drinking. After 20 years of sobriety, you would think that you might learn something. Apparently the lesson is that sobriety sucks? I don't know. I'm not inside his head. I do know that he doesn't call much, which is how I know he is drinking. He is extra nice when he does call.......but for how long? I'm sure his behavior will spiral out of control shortly, and I will not expose myself or my family to the "drunk" dad. Lesson learned many years ago. I does not take away the anger and disappointment, though. I can barely even look at him without wanting to start screaming in his face, "What the fuck is wrong with you, you selfish asshole?"

But......what business is it of mine if he wants to drink? It's his life and his body. I can control me. I cannot control him. So..........how do I manage my expectations? I hate him for doing this. I have had so much addiction in my face my entire life, and I'm tired of it. How convenient that he waited until I had kids, so he could ruin his relationship with his grandchildren.

Okay, I'm done writing for now. My bad attitude is getting on my nerves. ha!